“The dreams have become the mouthpiece
of the subconscious which the conscious
must begin to heed”
–Daniel Kojo Appiah [O’Zionn]
Over the past weeks or to be completely honest, for months now, I have struggled with/in myself and what I will comfortably call a faith crisis. This is nothing new in the history of man and in the lifestyle we call Christian, but each individual experience is unique, I believe. I could let a few secrets out concerning what some other writers have penned about me, concerning this journey I have been on, but I wouldn’t want to do that.
The year is almost over and too damn much has happened…I have come this close to death, how many times? Smelling December around the corner fills me with nostalgia. In another blog post I will chronicle my little and great joys in spite of all the odds, but in this post I am merely going through my most dominant thoughts these past few weeks, and especially this morning.
I woke up to James Burns’ hymn playing in my head, especially the third verse…
Hushed was the evening hymn.
The temple courts were dark,
The lamp was burning dim
Before the sacred ark,
When suddenly a voice divine
Rang through the silence of the shrine
The old man meek and mild,
The priest of Israel, slept;
His watch the temple child,
The little Levite kept:
And what from Eli’s sense was sealed,
The Lord to Hannah’s son revealed
O give me Samuel’s ear,
The open ear, O Lord,
Alive and quick to hear
Each whisper of Thy word;
Like him to answer at Thy call
And to obey Thee first of all
O give me Samuel’s heart,
A lowly heart that waits
Where in Thy house Thou art
Or watches at Thy gates
By day and night – a heart that still
Moves at the breathing of Thy will
O give me Samuel’s mind
A sweet un-murmuring faith,
Obedient and resigned
To Thee in life and death
That I may read with childlike eyes,
Truths that are hidden from the wise
This was an immediate thought from the dream I woke up from, almost like a reaction or response to what happened in the dream in which I said some really deep and moving prayer…I choose to rework it into a poem of sorts;
It is from
A million miles
That I stand
You get this stench
Me, so you smell
My essence once again
Angels, as search dogs
To find me
For I know not
Where I am
I only know
I am far
Too Far Away
With this happening in my dream, waking up to James Burns on my mind, and later reading Hebrews 11 and the first 5 verses in chapter 12, together with a conversation with my most favorite writer friend, I trembled with excitement at the epiphany!
The year has been part shit, part such immense overflow of mercies and miracles I would not know where to begin from; miracles, some of which I now write about. And to think, some of my worst moments have also been this same year. One understands the world better, one understands God better.
There are a lot of things I have brushed aside, or been reluctant to blog about, and that has been how I feel about my gift of writing and how it is intrinsically linked with my faith such that I cannot remove one from the other. I guess today breaks that somehow.
Realization seemed to have seeped from the subconscious, as my opening quote suggested. The time comes when one must accept change, some calling of a sort and be tuned off from what might interfere. We have freewill, no? Once you choose, to hell with whoever chose otherwise, no? I am beaming here! 😀 And I bless and praise God copiously for such moments when you learn so much through the most unusual of means.
As unconventional as I am, I know, feel, love, understand the Lord so much sometimes it is funny, how it works out, especially when I go off the grid and get nudged back through ways as this. Lol! My God, my sweet, sweet Lord.
And in my day to day activities I ask that I feel Him more, know Him more, as I get more acquainted with Grace and what it stands for.
Being a hymn lover, I sign off with these;
O joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to Thee:
I trace the rainbow through the rain
And feel the promise is not vain,
The morn shall tearless be.
Grace taught my soul to pray
And made my eyes overflow
Tis grace which kept me to this day
And will not let me go.