I had a brief chat with a friend yesterday, and I said something I have realized for weeks now but hadn’t yet fully acknowledged. It is surreal how eventful this year has been for me, and if I were to put it in a book, it’d have made quite a read. Running alongside these events has been a steady (and more recently, rapid) change in…in…honestly, I don’t even know what to call it. My inter-personal relationships? Friendships? Social life? I don’t know.
It must be because I went away for quite a while and worked in areas so remote there was no telecom network or internet. Maybe it was that period of little contact, and little time, and so when time was found and thankfully network was available at that same time, you used it for those most important(?) And though you missed people and checked on them as and when, and though the love you have for people you are very much aware take you for granted knowingly or unknowingly, keeps them in your thoughts, suddenly you stop doing things that you used to do based on that love, and you find that it is okay. It is okay to stop. It is okay to not talk. Not try to keep a flame that the other person has never cared to keep ablaze because all along it burned and it didn’t dawn on the person that it was cos you kept it. So you stop…and turn to yourself and just be…in calm silence.
It must be because of progression of time, and age with it. Or coming full-face with a very base part of you, and being met at that same time, with another part of a man so close to heaven, you break down in gratitude and rise too weak to engage anyone else. It must be how close I have come this year, to ruining the most beautiful thing in my life, and God coming through in all His sovereignty, and shocking me to silence with his love. It must be love.
I acknowledge that there comes a time when change just happens, and you find that it is exactly what you needed. The calm is sweet really, and there are days when you wonder if you really are okay, but you search and are sure that nothing broke. Over this time, I have barely written anything. Over this time, I am having to learn…fast. So if you find that our conversations are short these days. That I haven’t started conversations with you like I used to do. I haven’t talked much, or come visiting, or looking for you. If I seem to care less now, or whatever you may have noticed…rest easy.